It’s Official…

I’m fucked. And not in a positive, life-affirming kind of way.

I got paid today and there is a zero balance in my bank account. Fortunately, nothing is pending. The reason there’s a zero balance, of course, is that I didn’t have enough money to pay the bills at the first of the month. I have some cash for groceries and incidentals, and Jeff’s working a one-off job that will provide some temporary relief, maybe buy gas and groceries and keep our cars from being taken by the title loan companies, but in essence, I’m fucked.

So I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what to do. The way I see it, there are three things to consider: quitting, moving and borrowing.

Quit: If I quit, I’d have access to my retirement fund, which I’d receive in about 2-4 weeks. I could pay off all the personal, title and payday loans, plus have some left over for living expenses. There’s around $10K in there. But I’d also be quitting a job I really love and have no immediate desire to leave. And I’d have to find another job, which is difficult in the current economy. This is jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire unless I can find a job within the next few weeks – in which case I’d feel more comfortable quitting ASU.

Move: This could go several ways – I could break my lease and move in with someone local who’d allow me to have my cat and kids. I could break my lease and move back to Parker (::shudder::) and live with my parents. I could break my lease and move somewhere else where I can stay with someone until I get a job. Or I could stay in my apartment until December, but that is truly impossible given my current income resources. As of this moment, I have no idea how I’ll pay rent for October. I’m not even sure I’ll have enough for groceries, gas and lunch for the kids.

Borrow: I’m pretty maxed out here – I’ve borrowed a couple hundred from a friend, have title loans on both cars and have been turning over a pay day loan since early August. I don’t really see this as a true option, but more a deeper digging of the stupid abyss of a hole.

My concerns re: impact of these decisions are for my children and my career, primarily. I hate jerking the girls around. Gab’s doing pretty well, all things considered, but poor Nina is really struggling with all these changes and challenges.

I’m pretty pissed at Jeff for continuing to be so picky about his employment options. There’s enough resentment there as it is – if I have to quit my job over all this, it’s going to be worse. Not the kind of worse that would make things uncivil, but the kind of worse that will kill, once and for all, any chance of us reconciling. He’s trying to help with the money, but his approach is so … ineffectual. And he refuses to change it. Because apparently 10 months of continued unemployment aren’t enough to convince him that his method isn’t working.

I have no idea which way to go. I don’t want to make any decision rashly, but I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out in the next two weeks before my next student loan payment and rent are due.

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