I have a couple areas I wanted to talk about, but after the news about having to replace yet another trailer tire and spend money that should have been for groceries, I think I’m done with what I have here. I’m going to try to go for upbeat at some point, but this is a realistic assessment of where I am at the moment.
These days my marriage mostly leaves me feeling sad. Jeff described it recently as “Tenuous… something could either click out and break it forever, or click into place and be really good.” For me, it feels like a big something is missing, and that big something generally manifests in ways that are hard to define. I would define us as “broken”. We sleep far apart in bed. When we touch it’s usually practical, unless I push to make it something more. On the rare occasion when we have sex, I initiate it, though Jeff is a more-than-willing participant. He’s not the first person I think of when I need to talk about something. And I think that last one bothers me the most.
I keep hoping it’s because of all the chaos of moving and so on, but I find that the things that bother me most don’t seem to be related to the move. Instead they’re related to the people we both are, the way we view things, the way we do things, what we want from life both in the long run and in the every day. I’m not making any predictions about the outcome, but I can say that we won’t stay married if things stay as they are, or gods forbid, worsen. I can’t live this way.
It’s no accident that this topic follows my marriage. The truth is it could have just as easily come before the marriage. The weaving of the two is complex. Not simple. I would that it were. I’ve thought quite a lot about things like bisexual erasure, wondered if that’s what I’m doing to myself. I don’t know if my fascination with and attraction to women is because I’ve denied myself the option for most of my life or because I’m a lesbian and I’m finally coming out. I don’t know if my lack of attraction to men means anything other than having to make room for the time I spend checking out women. When I’m having sex, my mind wanders towards women no matter how much I work to gently bring it back to the moment. Even though I think Jeff looks better with facial hair, I don’t like the way it feels against my skin.
Bottom line is I don’t know what to say about it, other than that I find myself more interested in women and have felt that way for about a year now. The interest shows no sign of waning. If anything, it’s more intense. That could be due to the fact that I’m not acting on it or it could be that there simply aren’t any attractive men on my radar. Once again, I don’t know.
I have more to say about school, my health goals for 2010 and being in Big River vs. Seattle, but I’m now exhausted. Miss you all lots.