Wicked Vows

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit… when I let my boss know I was planning to go to Seattle, I said I’d stay through May. Today I was tooling through the Antioch website, asking advisors about the specifics of what I want to do, and I happened to trip over to the job postings… and found a position that would be the PERFECT match for my skills.

I finished my undergrad degree while I worked at ASU. The tuition break was freaking amazing AND it was much easier to finish classes when I was right there on campus every day. Having a job at Antioch could open SO many doors, but I’m leery of the impact. The position closes October 15. I’m guessing they’ll take a week or two to review applicants and then start scheduling in November. The earliest I could see actually starting would be December, perhaps January, if the process at universities is generally the same. That’s how it would have worked at ASU.

Not only is the position a perfect match for my skills, it’s working in the Center for Creative Change, again doing and supporting work I really believe in. I’d love going to work. I’d continue having a positive impact.

BUT. I’d have to leave my job sooner than I said I would. I’d leave my 4H group MUCH sooner than I said I would. And most concerning, I’d leave my kids much sooner than I said I would. My brain, beautiful rationalizing beast that it is, sees solutions/positive in all of these. Funding is forcing changes at my job anyway and leaving could be negotiated in such a way as to be positive. I could set up my portion of the film club to be shorter term, and work with Brent to make a smooth transition. I could get set up in Seattle and be able to move my kids by the beginning of the 2011 school year.

One problem that just occurred to me is the financial situation. We’re in a lease until May. I’m not sure Jeff could afford rent on his own for that period of time. It’d take probably a month before I’d start having income, and I don’t know what the job is offering. If it’s enough to help Jeff meet the obligations here, and I could find a place to stay THERE until things stabilized, maybe it would work. But he’s not going to like it. He’s been putting the fact that I’m leaving out of his mind. I don’t bring up going to Seattle often because he stiffens up. But maybe leaving sooner would be like ripping the band-aid off so the wound can heal sooner. I don’t know. And maybe this dithering is also a way to not have what I need or want. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

Am I just rationalizing to get what I want or am I passing up what could potentially be a really great opportunity? Should I at least apply and see what happens, making the decision later, if offered the position? When should I tell the people I work with? Because clearly I’d need to discuss this with my family as soon as possible.

Man, when the system (i.e. my mind) kicks in, it’s crazy. All these thoughts streaming in, arguments and counterarguments… really it boils down to whether or not I should do something for myself or put my family and my work obligations first. Do I honor the vows I made so that no one would panic? Typing that is scary – I want to erase it, but I won’t. The scary comes from not knowing the answer, not from the question. Hm.

This entry was originally posted at http://www.dreamwidth.org/12345.html. Please comment here or there using OpenID.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s