A word that describes me is intense.
A word that describes my journal is open.
When I check inside, I find masks and bare faces.
My Inner Critic says I’m lacking in imagination.
My Inner Wisdom says I’m the Magician, equipped with the right tools to do the Work.
The person I feel closest to is no one right now. Me, I guess.
If my present mood were a color, it would be blood red, edged in black.
I am a person who likes to have a plan, to know what comes next. I like to be growing constantly, improving on what I do well, finding new things to try.
If I had time I would write more often, maybe settle down and write a book.
I am grateful for my family and friends. For life. For learning every day.
Journal writing is my salvation. It’s pulled me through the hardest parts of my life. I’ve neglected it lately and I have no doubt that it’s contributed to my depression and unhappiness.
When I think about writing a journal, I
want to start in a fresh space.
feel like I have to keep a commitment.
feel a push/pull of wanting/not wanting to spill what’s inside.
The most important things to do right now are
make it through till June.
save money so that the move will happen.
find peace where I am.
to create the life I’ve always wanted.
to feel happier.
to feel like I’m walking in dappled sunshine instead of slogging through deep mud holes.
The biggest challenges I am facing now are
getting out of my marriage.
getting my financial life together.
breaking my sugar/alcohol habit.
I’m supposed to write my own sentence stems here, but I have no idea where to go from here. It’s easy to sink into free writing instead.
I liked having something short to respond to. Sometimes that elicits a more honest response than free writing, where there’s space to dance. Sentence stubs are like being in a line that requires a password to get through. Free writing is like a crowded dance floor where I can get lost instead of finding my way from point A to point B.
I’m not sure exactly what I learned about myself, other than the feeling of wanting to walk in gentle sunshine, metaphorically speaking, instead of feeling like I’m rutting in mud. And I was surprised at the color of my mood, of the red mostly. I envisioned it as a burnt piece of deep red velvet.
This technique is almost like word association. I might use it if I want to discover quick new things about myself. I have to be intentional about it though, lest it become more like a quiz or questionnaire to be manipulated.
The weather outside is too hot for this time of year. Too sunny. A relentless bombardment of impossible sunshine, sort of like being in the presence of some incredibly insincere authority figure. One who beams at you while planning some horrible, subversive punishment. It reminds me of how much I don’t like it here, how poisoned and out of place I feel. I like rainy days so much better. Cool days. Those feel like home.
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