I’m having trouble figuring out the angle on what I’m getting ready to write, which is a sure sign I should be writing about it. Writing generally helps me clarify. Remember my post here? Yeah, that was exactly a month ago, which wasn’t really intentional, but maybe it makes sense. Anyway, I wrote about being off Prozac, how I was feeling, the distance I was having and so on. I’m still having that distance, i.e. my Observer Self is still working, but what I’m observing is a slow but steady decline in my mood and patience. What I can’t figure out is whether it’s related to the anticipation and stress of this new job possibility (and all the changes that would bring) or whether I’ve become dependent on SSRI’s to keep my mood steady.
I had a great conversation with a friend a couple months ago about taking SSRI’s and how they can mask things that therapy could take care of. In other words, that they can let you continue to not deal with things you really should be dealing with. In my case, of course, I think of my ambiguity around my sexuality and my ambivalence about my marriage. When I really want to get in a tizzy, I consider whether my constant questioning about my sexuality and my marriage are masking some other problem… but it doesn’t resonate quite as well in my core. So maybe I should just hang on till I can get into a good therapist and start working the issues.
On the other hand… maybe this is all just the normal noise that people deal with and my body just isn’t producing enough serotonin for me to deal. I had my mom pick up some Prozac for me in Mexico, thereby avoiding the issue of insurance and doctors. So I have it. I could start taking it again. But when I think about it, my mind circles around to what I just said about going to therapy (also, I really hate feeling that constriction on my emotional range). But what if I need it?
I really don’t know what to do. I suppose I could go back on for now and wait until I can get going with therapy and then make the decision. If I get a job offer from PSU, then there will be SO MANY big transitions ahead as the girls won’t be joining me until August. When I moved away from Jeff the last time, I noticed that it was harder because I wasn’t on Prozac or in therapy. Maybe I’ll gain some clarity if I go back on for now. I just feel like some kind of addict if I can’t cope without the medication.
I keep asking why I was able to deal so much better prior to 2005. Having a stronger spiritual community certainly helped a great deal (my coven in Illinois and my time at Diana’s Grove). That’s a huge missing piece. That’s something I hope will change once I get to Portland. So maybe medicate now IS the best option. Heh. Maybe that’s why so many people who live here are drug addicts and alcoholics. How else can you stand it??