Today I still had a hard time getting my mind to sit still. I worked with the expanded to micro-awareness tool, which helped, but then thoughts about the day (how am I going to track my intervals when I run/walk?) (will we go to Kennedy School like we discussed yesterday?) kept tripping in, and I didn’t have time to get back on track before the gong sounded. My usual method is gentle guidance back to awareness of breath and the music I have playing, but I think I just didn’t notice in time today. I’m loving that widget. Heh. Tomorrow I may up the time to 10 minutes.
I did go pick up my books yesterday, which I spent a good portion of last night reading. The one I’m re-reading is “Many Roads, One Journey” by Charlotte Kasl. While I appreciate what she has to say about patriarchy and problems with the AA program, some of the stuff is dated and I wonder what an AA meeting looks like today. There is one on campus every day at noon. I might go today. If that one doesn’t feel right, then I may check out the one on Friday evenings at the UU church. It’s called the “Rebellion Dogs” meeting. That says something about its spirit, right? I really want to try out the SMART recovery meetings, but the times of the ones I can reasonably reach on the train are not compatible – at all – with my work schedule. There IS one on Wednesday nights, but it’s held at a homeless shelter that focuses on LGBTQI youth, and I think that would bring the academic (and the counselor/helper) in me to fore. Better to find one with either more variety, or with more folks my own age. This needs to be about me looking at me, not me looking at other people who need help “more”.
I didn’t find the outdoor track, but I did find the football practice field right behind my apartment that is nice and level and expensively turfed (saves my knees). That will work until tomorrow, when the rec center re-opens. The good news is that it looks like I will be able to pick up some yoga, pilates and/or NIA classes on my non-running days, which is kind of how I wanted it to work. I’ll want to work a day of strength training in eventually, but for now, running and stretching/core work sounds great. I’m procrastinating my workout right now. I don’t want anyone to see my struggle out there.
I haven’t spoken with Jeff about any of this. He hasn’t asked and I have to admit to being slightly annoyed by that. I can step back and have some compassion for him maybe being afraid to jinx it, but the fact that nothing’s ever out in the open with us is a root of our problem, one that’s existed before and after my drinking got out of control. I need to tell him that I’m feeling really confused about him and us, and that this will be one of the big things I’m working on in therapy. That seems fair, though again, I find myself annoyed that he hasn’t said a word. We haven’t had sex in … well, really, I don’t know when the last time was. Well over a month. Maybe two. Given how needy he is around that, and how central it used to be to our relationship, why hasn’t he said anything? Fear, again, I’m pretty sure. He doesn’t want to ask because he doesn’t want to know. Gods, we are so fucked up. We bring out the weakness in each other. I’m not sure if we will survive an adjustment to my drinking and codependency habits. I don’t know if he will be willing to look at his role in any of that. He hasn’t been in the past. Maybe he’d go to a CODA meeting if I suggested it. And how fucked up is it that part of me hopes he’ll meet someone there and decide to leave me first? I’m such a coward.
Back to work tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about it. It’s not a long shift, at all, but I sure have enjoyed my days to focus on what’s going on inside when it’s not drowning in wine (or wine’s aftereffects).