First Cravings

Today was the first day “getting back to normal,” which means going back to work. Next week I’ll add school to it. It has been, to say the least, hectic. I got my 10 minutes in this morning, but I was almost late. I learned two things. One, don’t open email first and two, don’t keep email open while meditating. The dings are super distracting, especially when there’s an anxiety-inducing email in the mix. So tomorrow, I won’t open email first. Naturally my mind kept going back to the subject of the email, but still, it felt a little better today. I noticed a lot of tension in my upper body.

I tried to go to an AA meeting yesterday on campus, but it was cancelled for break. I tried to go on an online SMART meeting last night, but the room was full/closed when I signed in. If I’m going to do those, I need to check into the room about 5-10 minutes early, instead of showing up on the dot. I have an online one at 5 today that I’m going to try, and still have that AA meeting at the Unitarian church “on reserve” for Friday. I was trying to remember the “official” day I stopped drinking. I’m not sure if it was Wednesday or Thursday. I’ll go with Thursday to be safe. I’m not making any announcements about it (i.e. on Facebook) because I still feel shaky and because I don’t want a shitload of backlash/questions from family. I just want to stay cocooned in support at the moment.

Yesterday was also the first day I really had a habitual urge to get some wine. Frankly, it was almost automatic, and I almost said something before I realized it. Then I thought about it a few more times during the day. This is like other “taking care of me” things I tend to do – I’ll plan it out, try the first day or so, and then decide that was enough. I just kind of want to either forget the problem exists, or decide I’m just gonna live with it. I have to consciously remind myself why that’s not a good idea. I’m developing an awareness of this and I expect it will be a key to finding sustainable lifestyle change for me.

I have my first therapy session on Friday the 13th. Horror story set up? We’ll see. I’m nervous about going to the campus therapists for this, but they have their PsyD’s and seem pretty qualified. If it feels crazy, I’ll see if I can get a better recommendation than just a long list of people I can’t tell anything about.

I did my 5K training yesterday. I wanted to go to the field behind my house, but it was full of people. Fortunately the rec center is open again, so I can go there instead. Today I have some core training and maybe a little stretching. My hips and calves are sore!

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