Since I couldn’t remember whether I’d made the decision to stop drinking last Wednesday or last Thursday, I went with Thursday. That marks today as the first week of sobriety in a very long time that I won’t be ending with a bottle of wine. There have been challenges, and I suspect they are the tip of the iceberg because they’ve all been internal. I haven’t really gone into the world (especially the world of family) with this yet. Still, for the sake of recording and acknowledging them, I entertained thoughts about whether I can really live the range of human emotion and experience without substances. I wondered if maybe I can go back to drinking after I do some work around it. I thought about other people and how they’ll react when they find out and whether I’ll be able to deal with that. I thought about how wine tastes when paired with certain foods. I felt pissed that I have to deal with this when other people don’t. Then I went back to reading my books, which helps. If it gets really bad, I’ll call or text one of you on my list.
I haven’t made it to a meeting yet, though I have legitimately tried. Last night there was one online, but I ended up at work late. I’m doing okay without them and I start therapy next Friday. I do still plan to check out the AA meeting at the UU church this Friday evening. I have reservations about AA, but it’s based on my reading of the literature and secondhand experiences, so I’m going to see what it’s about on my own. I don’t believe a person HAS to go to AA to stop drinking. There are other programs, and there is therapy, so if it doesn’t work out, I don’t feel like I have no hope (or an excuse to go back to drinking). The book I’ve been reading (Many Roads, One Journey by Charlotte Kasl) has been really helpful in this regard.
I spoke with Jeff twice about codependency stuff. He thinks I’m crazy, that he has no problems with boundaries or self-care. He doesn’t understand why me stopping drinking will impact our relationship. Despite me having said several times over the last five or six years that I’m drinking to numb out and not deal with things, that it contributes to my inability to sort out my feelings about him, he seems to think that we’ll go on exactly as we are, except I won’t be drinking anymore. I told him I was concerned that when I stop numbing with alcohol, and started actually feeling the things I’ve been avoiding, there could be changes. He honestly kind of stared at me blankly. I don’t even know what to do about it, except acknowledge that I often feel like I’m smothering under the weight of the relationship. I’m going to talk to the therapist about it – in fact, I’m going to take my list of things I want to work on this year to her, as well as some of the observations Lora shared with me, to help create a map for our work together.
Overall, I’m feeling really good today. I’m on track with my vitamin D regimen, with reintroducing exercise and drinking boatloads of water. I’m meditating every morning when I get up. I’m working on regulating my sleep. I feel eons more productive than I have in a long time. This week reintroduced work to my schedule. Next week will reintroduce school. I still think I’m going to be okay, if I stick to the core of therapy, nutrition, movement and sleep. Oh, and support! From you all. Thank you so much. I am incredibly fortunate to have you in my life.