What a week – the first part of the week, I was feeling sad, and a little down. I spent a bit of time hiding away in my head, wondering if I was “doing it right” in regards to what I said last week about not having trouble with not drinking and positing that it was possible that I might again one day be able to have the occasional glass of wine. Then on Friday I realized about five minutes in to my therapy session that I had done it again – I had let myself get all caught up in drinking as The Problem so I could avoid feeling sad as the week went on.
I had a really great therapy session on Friday with Jami, acknowledging that part of my big crying session over “Is Your Love Strong Enough” on Tuesday had to do with it tapping directly into my grieving over the end of my marriage. Again, I had gotten all cerebral, focusing on the vocals and the arrangement, rather than the feeling it was tapping into. We talked about how music has been hugely cathartic for me, that when I felt like I needed to let go after losing Jasmine, I had particular songs I would go to so I could feel what I needed to feel. It was the only way to shut off my brain. Jami suggested I make a playlist to do that with my marriage, but I said I probably needed to wait until I was ready to let Jeff know where I stand. Otherwise, it might seem a little strange to my kids that I was red-eyed and weepy all the time.
As an aside, I really love my therapist – she is exactly the right person for me to be working with right now. Calls me on my shit, shows me blind spots, catches contradictions, really good at what she does. I’ll admit I had some concern over whether I’d get that using the health center, but I really lucked out.
I can’t remember if I said anything about it last week, but when I tried to leave Jeff the first time, I totally choked when it came to dealing with his emotional reaction. I couldn’t bear it and I backed down from a lot of things, said things that weren’t completely true because I couldn’t bear to hurt him anymore than I already head. I completely put away everything I was feeling and reached out to him. I have a lot of anxiety about going through that again, as well as anxiety around anticipating who’s going to ‘take sides’ when this all goes down. We talked about some specific strategies for dealing with that anxiety, and I’ve been working on that this weekend. I’ll share if you want the deets, but I try to keep these as short and sweet as I can!
I also had a great day yesterday with Thea, who is in my counseling class and has applied to the graduate program I will eventually pursue. She happens to be Pagan, and is interested in many of the same things I am. I think I see the glimmerings of my first true friendship forming here, where I feel like I have many things in common (she’s also a horror/urban fantasy/sci-fi geek) and the beginning of building a local support network and also the potential for spiritual fellowship, which is great – this was one of my goals. She’s a native Oregonian, so she’s also an excellent resource. We walked all over the Alphabet District, which is right around Nina’s school. I feel pretty comfortable that I’ll be able to find an affordable place to live over there so Nina and Gab can stay in their schools.
I decided to cut myself some slack on running. It was a hard decision, but my body just isn’t up to it right now. So I bought a bathing suit that’s made for working out (chlorine resistant, etc) and I’m going to the pool instead. I’m going to start this week. Maybe I’ll see if I can pick up a few sessions with a trainer just to work out some kind of specific routine. There are also water aerobic classes if I get over my social phobia.
In light of all this, I’m doing some slight revisions to my goals, and here’s what I want to work towards in February:
- I will put together a water & walking routine to keep active – this is important for heading off depression as well as physical health.
- I will stay sober.
- I will attend one therapy session each week.
- I will update my Circle of Support once a week.
- I will sit for at least 15 minutes each day OR do some work with the Leela chakra meditations.
Much love to you all. I brag a lot about how awesome you all area. Each one of you has shown me something different over the past 5 or 6 weeks and helped me get out of the stuck place where I’ve been living.