I thought I’d take advantage of a relatively quiet morning at work to do an update. I had one going last week, but it seemed kinda flip after I wrote it, so I scrapped it. Basically it said, “Things are good.” Heh.
And they are, for the most part. Thank the gods for Prozac, it really does do something that my body is not doing on it’s own right now, and I feel like a decent human being again. I noticed that I’m not avoiding my reflection in the mirror anymore, and that I don’t feel so damned horrific-looking. I’ve long suspected I have a mild-to-moderate case of body dysmorphia, and if I do, Prozac works for that too. It’s a drag that as my depression, mild paranoia and body hate goes away, so too does my sex drive, but maybe that’s for the best right now.
Work is great – I think there are some much needed changes on the horizon. PSU has a transfer student population of over 60%, and my charge is to serve them, to advocate for them. Lots of folks at PSU take them for granted and fail to consider them in their rush to serve the mythic freshmen recruit/retain model. The university is relatively young and I think in the midst of the equivalent of a teen identity crisis. We need to be great at serving transfer students, IMHO, why not serve as a national model for it? So my boss and I are constantly pushing for this, and I feel like things are gradually starting to move. I think I may be involved in something pivotal here, and that’s a good feeling.
On December 23rd I start training for a 10K with a co-worker. I think I may have found a great workout buddy; the kind who calls BS on excuse-making, which I desperately need. I’m a very creative excuse-maker, but he seems to see right through that. It’s good. I don’t have a weight goal in mind, really, though it would be nice to lose 20-30 lbs. I’m really after better sleep, less achiness, more stamina and energy. Those seem like good things to pursue.
Still not wanting to talk much about the marriage front. It’s just… bleh. I’m searching out my own therapist after the first of the year. Jeff was supposed to find one for marriage counseling. I’m pretty much done trying at this point. If he wants it to work out, he needs to do something. I’m tired of being that person. Haven’t had sex in weeks, possibly months. I’m not reaching out anymore. I’m tired of that too. I know he wants it, but he won’t say anything and I’m not going to drag it out of him. He knows that a huge part of our problem is his unwillingness to ask for what he needs/wants and I’m done compensating for that. I’m done being the over-reacher. Right now I just feel like “being” and that’s what I’m doing.
I’m doing work over this next term on my comps project, which I need to finish my degree. My goal is to actually have everything done so that when I take the class in the spring term, all I have to do is turn stuff in on time. That way travel won’t be a problem. My project? Creating a transfer center at PSU, natch. And I think I’m going to have some great experiences making it happen over the next few months. I should probably check in with my faculty advisor to make sure I capture everything in the right way. Hm. Something else to schedule!
That’s probably good for now. How are you?