This morning I stood in front of the scale, wondering, “Should I or shouldn’t I? Is this a throwback to determining worth by this number, or am I truly just curious?” I had my answer when the number flashed.
I stepped off the scale.
I stepped back on.
Same number. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” I demanded of my body. Instantly back in the place of letting that number tell me how I was doing. It’s such a habit, so ingrained. But this time, this time my body had a response.
“Are YOU fucking kidding ME? Yesterday I ran for 10 minutes, walked for 30. I took you through the beautiful forest. You were filled with joy. So really. Who’s kidding who?”
Oh yes. You are so right, body. Thanks.
This led to some introspection on what HAES means to me. It means I measure my goals and progress by what my body can do right now. And I take joy in that. And I don’t care if the size of my body measures up to what an arbitrary chart has to say. And I certainly don’t care if it measures up to what society has to say. And those are hardwon battles.
It also means I will explore eating as a way to experience joy and also as a way to optimally fuel the things my body does. I will measure food based on how I feel after I eat it. How I feel physically, that is, and not how I “should” feel based on what the diet industry has to say about it. It means I may look at a way of eating and decide it’s not for me. And it means I stop thinking about food in terms of how much I weigh, but instead in terms of how I feel. Am I energized? Does it make me have an oral-gasm? How much does it take to do these things? And so on.
Basically, it means I am healthy at whatever size healthy happens, and that this is based on what I read from studies, but moreover, what I know by being connected with my body. It means I apply the same dose of skepticism to fads and claims as I do to every other study. It means I always ask, “Who benefits here?” and “Is the research sound?”
Of course, this is my experience and journey, and moreover, it’s where I am right now. It may change. But I have to say, it feels more like I’m “on to something.” I feel fantastic. And… that probably means something. I think I’ll choose to pay attention.