Really? Still in Love?

I have been thinking about this entry since I finished my training on Saturday. I power-walked 7 miles. I would have jogged part of it, but I had someone with me and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I’ll start incorporating more jogging into my training this weekend. I’m super excited, then, for next week’s 6 mile training because I expect to see a nice increase in my pace.

And I guess that’s what I want to write about, what strikes me as most remarkable at this point. I started this journey on February 23rd. I did not give it a lot of forethought; I received an email on Thursday afternoon, checked in with my partner about the funds, signed up and showed up on Saturday. I was overwhelmed and almost left that first day when I saw how many people there were, but I didn’t. A lot of it was sheer stubbornness, but it was also what I heard in that first talk. I knew it was something I needed to try.

That coincided with a webinar put on by the founder of The Body is Not an Apology, Sonya Renee Taylor. That webinar, in combination with the new Portland Fit training program, shifted something in me. I’d been flirting with body positivity and the HAES movement for years, but more recently my own struggles with depression, being out of shape and not taking care of myself pushed me to do something. And so that weekend started a journey.

Five weeks later, I am still champing at the bit on training days. On rest days, I’m forcing myself to rest, because I want to go out anyway. I can honestly say I’ve NEVER had this experience before. No, that’s not entirely true. The last time I felt this way, I was probably ten or eleven and deeply involved with gymnastics.  My mom yelled at me all the time for “flip-flopping” around (that phrase had a completely different connotation back then). Anything was potentially gymnastics apparatus. I thought about gymnastics all the time. I dreamed about it. And that’s how I’m feeling about my walking/jogging/running journey. I think about it all the time. I read voraciously. I ask questions. I look to people for inspiration and encouragement. And I am wholly in love with this process of discovering what my body can do. I haven’t felt this joy in far too long.

So I’m excited, I guess. Excited by what’s happening, by where I am right now. I know it’s just a moment in a line of moments. But I also feel that something is really shifting physically and emotionally, kind of like things shifted for me spiritually and emotionally when I had my first few years of Mystery School at Diana’s Grove. And that’s past due.

It’s not to say, of course, that I won’t continue to have struggles. I will, and I do. I know for sure that I’m putting away the scale until I can honestly say it’s information only. As long as it has the power to jack up my day, it’s staying in the garage. My body is too amazing to be boxed in by a number. And there will be crap sessions, like last Thursday. And days I’m tempted to sleep instead of going out. But for now, I’m so very hooked on the discovery and the good feels. And it’s nice to walk through the life I’ve always imagined in Portland with a huge grin most of the time.

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