Mama called the doctor and the doctor said…

Well, the physical therapist, anyway. So our starting point for correction in my back is the sacroiliac joint area. Reading about it makes perfect sense – it’s where things hurt most of the time, my sacrum was a point of injury in jr high school, and I also deal with iliotibial band syndrome, which guess what? Also originates in this area.

The good news is that now I know more about what ails me. The bad news is that when I asked the physical therapist about running, he very gently told me that it wasn’t likely I’d ever be able to run without pain because of my scoliosis and how it twists this area. He told me runner to runner, which helped, because he understood what he was telling me. So? So. This means I walk. I can walk pretty fast, and that’s just as fast as it gets for me. I can still do trails (without running or jogging) and I can still participate in races, but I need to let go of the idea that I will ever run it. Weight loss may help, but probably not enough to make me a runner. The problem is in the structure. Weight loss WILL help all other things hurt less though, and that’s good. It’s still a goal.

On one hand, I feel relieved. It hasn’t been my imagination and it hasn’t been that I’m a quitter. The pain is real, and the limitation in my body is concrete and measurable. The PT says I should probably be checked for disc herniation as well. I’ll have to talk to my doc about this. I wanted a concrete answer as to whether I should be trying to run. I got that.

And on the other hand, I’m mourning the loss of a certain type of movement that I once took for granted. I really wanted to sprint through the forest, to run fast, rather than jogging or walking. Now it’s down to walking. I won’t wallow in self-pity because at least I can walk, and the forest is beautiful at a slower pace. But there’s a certain level of irritation and grief that I’m experiencing in relation to my body and my life decisions that exacerbated things.

I didn’t realize how much getting into shape might be a team event with medical staff. I’ve spent most of my life ignoring the scoliosis because as a teenager I was so terrified of having to wear a brace. Now I kinda wish I’d gotten over that.

And it’s crazy icy snowy outside right now, so I’m likely going to have to be okay with the 10 minutes of walking I got in this morning. I was scheduled to do 20. Hopefully the ice will be cleared by Wednesday!

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