oh happy day

Not crazy, over-the-top, unreal happy, but pleasant and not in the depths of depression happy, which is maybe more like content, but either way, it’s due to getting the dose right on my meds. Thank. The. Gods.

One of the things I hate the most about depression is how it warps my view of myself and how I perceive others to be reacting to me. When I’m in the dark depths, I am convinced that everyone can see all my flaws just like I can, that they all know what an imposter and faker I am, and that they’re hating me for it. I can FEEL it, and sometimes my ear matrixes sound so that I can almost hear it. Even though I know what I’m feeling and perceiving isn’t real and isn’t permanent, it doesn’t take away the horribleness of that feeling. Sorry mindfulness and positive-psych-pushers. It’s all well and good to cognate, but the underlying feeling of SHITE is still there, and still sucks, and still needs medication (for some of us) to go away.

This needs to be the time I don’t shame myself for taking medication, and in a few more weeks, when I feel like sometime approaching normal and my perception of myself and the people around me is something approaching real, I need to not try to convince myself that I really don’t need serotonin. Because I do. And that’s just how it is.

Anyhoo, I thought an update was due, so here ’tis. I’m not out of the dark yet, but I’m in the light gray, at least, and that’s just fine.

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