I had my appointment yesterday in the midst of a very packed day. Initial impressions were all good, right down to sitting over the Columbia and being able to look out over the water while I spoke. I’ll call my therapist Rosemary… and I liked her. She offered some good initial insights and reminders, one of which was that depression never really goes away unless it’s situational. Mine is not. Remembering that it’s about management and not eradication is helpful, though frustrating. I am very annoyed that there are things in my body that aren’t fixable and that can be limiting. I know that it’s childish, but I still have the feeling. I mean, WTF body? Can’t you just get it together and run the way you’re supposed to??
One of the things I most appreciated was her “clicking” with the pattern stuff I’m wanting to work with, and getting that it is a longer term thing we’re entering into. We made an agreement that whatever changes we work towards, we won’t end therapy with me on the precipice of change – we continue therapy through the change. In the past, I’ve worked towards that precipice several times, but always backed away from it in the end. I told her I’m REALLY good at sounding like I am going to do something, and then not.
My job for this is to be as honest as possible. Usually that’s good, but I have a talent for hiding some keystone stuff beneath the shininess of my intellect and introspection. I can talk all day about what I already know about myself (and how sometimes even though I know, nothing changes). But I’ve come to believe that the things I’m walking around (or over, because I can’t even see them) are what’s stopping the change.
So I’m off on this again. I told Rosemary that I’ve stopped even talking to friends about all this crap because I can’t even bear to hear it again, much less inflict that on my friends. I’ll try to keep it to a minimum here, other than to report that on the self-care front with the depression, steps have been made. Medication should follow very soon.
EDIT: I do want to add that I took the Beck depression indicator yesterday and it IS worse than it’s ever been. I’m glad I’m getting back into active management, besides meditation and mindfulness. I committed to walking, medication and therapy yesterday.