Today I went to see the psychiatrist I’ve been trying to get in to for about six weeks or so. I’m so glad I did – he was pretty great. We’re upping my prescription for anti-depressants, which I knew needed to happen, and adding something for the anxiety I’m dealing with at work and in the middle of the night. “Sleep is important,” he said, and it is, especially right now. I need to give my body every inch of advantage I can. The doc also applauded the work I’ve done to date, particularly the work I’m doing around viewing this as a medical/health issue, and not something I can just switch off (oh, but I wish I could!). He’s pretty perceptive and I appreciate that too. Glad to be putting together a “team” to get a handle on this.

Work has been especially hard, but as with most things, I make it harder by not letting anyone know what’s going on with me. Last week I changed that, opening up to a co-worker I trust and getting some support there. Just telling someone why I’ve been so odd lately was good. And today it came up with my supervisor as well, and he received it better than I’d hoped. And to be fair, he hadn’t given me any reason to think he wouldn’t deal well, I was just really afraid. Even better, it was part of a larger conversation about my job, about what I do well, and about what feeds the depression/anxiety and how to deal with that. I feel better, at least in my head. My body is still reacting with depression and anxiety, but clearing my head seems to clear the way for my body. Eventually.

I mentioned a night with a good friend in PDX earlier in Sept when I was on my way to my grandmother’s funeral. Three things came out of that night, which mostly consisted of a really long, hard talk about all the stuff that’s been going on with me. First, a perspective on my relationship with Jeff that’s been helpful and is giving me something to work with; second, a challenge to build a local support network, which I’ve been working on at work and in the community, and; third, a perspective on how much I hold back, even from my closest friends. I think the only person who’s the exception to that is Jeff, and that’s mostly because he lives with me. And even he’s in the dark a lot. So I’ve been kind of chewing on these things this month, as I’m working to get my head back in the clear. I guess if it took about six months to spiral down to where it is now (and maybe more like seven or eight), then it makes sense that it might take more than a few weeks to set it straight.

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