Monday will make the beginning of my second week of staying home. We have a team meeting on Wednesday to talk about what comes next. I have incredibly mixed feelings. I want to work and not have to deal with the drop in income… but more than that, I want to be laid off so I can stay home until the risk of infection is significantly less. I work in health care, but I’m not clinical and  I’m not in a role that’s helping to save anyone’s life. But being there can bring risk into my house with my mom and my husband. And frankly if I’m being honest, to me as well. I’ve had asthma since childhood and when I get something in my chest, it settles in and does evil things. So yeah. I don’t want to get this and/or I don’t want to bring it home.

I’m trying to find a balance between being informed and not being overwhelmed. Over the past week depression and despair have raised their ugly heads. I am not seeking advice on this, I am doing the self-care I need to do, but I am trying to record something of how this is for me. Most of this stems from the behavior of political “leaders” in this country and the cult following they’ve procured. Our system is so hopelessly broken, and I’ve been aware of that for awhile. Now it feels as though this realization is a cigarette being mashed into my eye socket. It’s a lot.

I want to do something useful with this time, and writing here is part of that effort. Mostly for the past week I’ve been reading, playing games or streaming movies or series. I’ve had video chats with my friends, either via Marco Polo or through another program like Google Hangouts or Zoom. I went to the store a few times and it’s borderline terrifying as my mind goes nuts with all the ways I might be bringing something home with me, despite taking every precaution.

I’m doing all this without medicating my depression or anxiety. So far I’ve managed. And I kind of don’t have a choice. I’m not going to a doctor at this point. It’s not just the potential for COVID-19 exposure, it’s also that I don’t have good insurance at this point and with being off work, I can’t afford it. So yeah. Here we are.

More tomorrow.