Dark

The ventilator is pretty much maxed. It can’t do any more to help her breathe. If she gets any worse, we will have to let her go. She had a fever today and started some new rejection meds that could also help some of the lung damage. Dr. Sweet was very somber tonight. I don’t think he has a lot of hope that she will turn around. He said to pray and I am. My mind is a jumble of memories and pain. I catch myself checking out from time to time, just staring into nothingness. Jasmine is doing bad enough that if she starts to slip away, we will not be able to wake her up to say good-bye. This is killing me. I may have missed any chance to see her beautiful eyes looking back at me. I keep thinking about her quirky sense of humor, her wit and intelligence. I can’t imagine my life without her. By Monday we will probably know whether things are going to change. This is happening so fast. I have no perspective tonight and I am in such a dark place. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some kind of light.

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