I knocked myself out last night. I had to. For the past week-ish, I've been waking every hour from vivid dreams - basically, I think I'm waking at the end of every dream cycle I have, and never making it into deep sleep. The dreams are about many things - COVID-19, my dad, Jasmine, things … Continue reading No Sleep
Death & Grief
Finding the Beauty in Change: Autumn Equinox Reflections
Autumn is my favorite season. I love the beauty of the leaves as they show us how to pass from this world beautifully and with grace. I love the cooler temperatures and the opportunity to bundle up with my favorite scarves, shawls and sweaters. I love when coffee and tea feel like I’m carrying a … Continue reading Finding the Beauty in Change: Autumn Equinox Reflections
13 years
This year is no different than any year since 2004 when it comes to this - I am up again in the wee hours of V-Day, thinking about you, Jasmine, and how you'd be navigating this world with nearly 24 years under your belt. Grief ninjas come and go, but there's always the steady ache … Continue reading 13 years
forgiving our fathers
forgiving our fathers by dick lourie maybe in a dream: he's in your power you twist his arm but you're not sure it was he that stole your money you feel calmer and you decide to let him go free or he's the one (as in a dream of mine) I must pull from the … Continue reading forgiving our fathers
Death and dying
This morning my therapist mentioned to me that she had a really hard time this past week when, on top of everything else, Leonard Cohen died. I could see that her experience with this was akin to my experience when David Bowie and Robin Williams died. That is to say, it affected her deeply despite … Continue reading Death and dying
Well, Sunday – Won’t Take Much to Beat Saturday
Not a great weekend to this point - my grandma died today. I had a very mixed relationship with her, so my feelings are also mixed. Mostly, though, I'm glad it was peaceful and not prolonged. Still processing. Will likely write more later.
losing jasmine – 10 years later
Today is the 10th anniversary of Jasmine's death. I am not in the place to go into details for anyone who doesn't know them, not today, and not after the last 24 hours. It's a joyous kind of place, though, just too emotional for work. If you'd like to hear her story sometime, let me … Continue reading losing jasmine – 10 years later
anniversaries of birth
20 years ago today I was finally being admitted to Enloe Hospital after being in labor for 3 days. Those three sleepless days included a crazy walking tour of downtown Chico, being sent home from the hospital after my water broke and many hours of video game playing by the males involved. Finally, though, I … Continue reading anniversaries of birth
Anniversaries Are Neutral
After doing a triumphant morning run on Monday, I was caught unaware yesterday by the two year anniversary of my dad's sudden death. It's not that I didn't realize April 9th was coming. It was more that I was busy enough that I kept it out of my mind. My body remembered though. When I … Continue reading Anniversaries Are Neutral
cooking with my dad
This year will mark the first time in seven years that my dad and I won't be planning Thanksgiving dinner. Ever since we moved back from the Midwest, it's been a "thing." Prior to that, we never really built a Thanksgiving tradition, Jeff and I. Jasmine tended to be in and out of the hospital … Continue reading cooking with my dad
