No Sleep

I knocked myself out last night. I had to. For the past week-ish, I’ve been waking every hour from vivid dreams – basically, I think I’m waking at the end of every dream cycle I have, and never making it into deep sleep. The dreams are about many things – COVID-19, my dad, Jasmine, things related to traumas I’ve experienced over the span of nearly 50 years. Not all of the dreams are nightmares, per se – at least not by MY definition of a nightmare – but they are all colored with dark, somber overtones. When I wake, I feel unsettled, uneasy, disturbed, sad, and sometimes despairing.

I am, friends, exhausted. Psychically, emotionally, physically exhausted.

So last night I decided to double my normal dose of traz. I’ve done it before on a few occasions and it usually does the trick. So I took that dose at about 10. I got sleepy about a half hour later and went to bed… where I laid for about two hours until I finally got up and watched a few episodes of Locke & Key on Netflix. At 3, I was still not tired so I took another dose of traz (triple dose at this point, for those counting*) and finally fell asleep. I woke up at 1 PM today.

I don’t like to take that much medication. I can only fill that prescription once a  month and if I take more than is prescribed, that means there will be a night where I don’t have  any at all.  But I really needed this night of sleep. I don’t feel fully rested at waking, most likely because I’m still working at a sleep deficit. But I don’t feel as tired as I have for the last week, so that’s good. Still exhausted, but less so.

My dream life has always been very vivid and active. I have excellent recall of most of my dreams, and nearly all of my best writing has originated in a dream. My brain does a lot of good work when I sleep. But as with most things, there needs to be a balance. In sleep, that means a balance between my dreaming and  my deep rest states. I hope that things reach equilibrium soon.

*Please don’t fret about this dose. It’s difficult to overdose on this medication, especially when it’s taken by itself. I was nowhere near the dose that’s considered toxic.

2 thoughts on “No Sleep

  1. I am working through my own emotional load around the pandemic and working with my kiddo and her huge anxiety and trauma around all the bad that was her father and what the man I married became…. this current situation brings all of our flotsam and jestam to the surface and challenges us to face more than we may be ready to. But we have time to find our way and a forced solitude to push us along. I can’t begin to imagine your dream cycle or your personal journey through this time but I reach out to you as a fellow traveler through a strange time and land. Sending a virtual hand and hugs out your way. ~Namaste~


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