All of My Love

Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time
His is the force that lies within
Ours is the fire and all warmth we can find
He is a feather in the wind

Oh, all of my love, all of my love
Oh, all of my love for you, now
All of my love, all of my love
Yes, all of my love to you, child

Driving in city traffic while crying may cause one to attract undue attention, particularly at stoplights.

I got in the van this morning to go to my belly dancing session with Cedar and the song started literally as I started the engine. Since it’s a safe bet that no one out there reading this is as big a Zep fan as I am, you probably don’t know that Robert Plant wrote this song after his young son died from a stomach virus in 1977. As soon as the lyrics started, so did the tears, but the verse that particularly got me was the one I quoted.

I can’t imagine how I looked to the people staring at me at the stop light. When I looked over, I managed a weak smile to assure them that I wasn’t going to do anything drastic, like suddenly turn my wheel, gun the engine and ram into them. Most of the time I just looked straight ahead and let the tears fall.

Grieving in public is really hard for me. I feel embarrassed, like I’m somehow weak or pitiful if I let people see me cry. I know in my head that I have every reason to cry when I need to cry, but it doesn’t stop that non-logical part of me from cringing when I do it. It’s the same part that dictates whether or not it’s okay to pick your nose in public, you know?

I looked, I imagine, like some kind of emotional wreck to the people at that stoplight. I couldn’t explain, you know, roll down the window and say, “Hey, I have a right to be blubbering, my kid died a few months ago,” because, well because when I looked back at them, they hurriedly looked the other way. And besides, it’s hard to tell strangers that I’ve lost a child. It really bums them out and then I feel bad about that too.

Anyway, after that happened, Cedar and I had a great time bellydancing. She told me I was a natural, but maybe she’s just being nice. I really enjoyed it — that much I know. It fits right in with all the other stuff I’m doing lately. Hurrah for my body, which needs so much work. It is a great distraction right now.

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