I recently noted, to some very dear friends, the following things: I kinda feel like I traded energy from my sexuality, spirituality and writing into work. I’m pretty happy about work these days – I appreciate the opportunity to be an agent of change in a place I’ve always felt needs change badly. I suppose you could say that channeling passion and creativity into a profession is a good thing. I just feel a little off-balance, and I long for those things – whole sexuality, spiritual practice and writing. There’re just these little things called the physics of time and brain fatigue that seem to be standing in the way. I’m not really brooding over it. It’s not really affecting my mood (thanks Prozac!), but it IS nagging at the back of my mind when I lay in bed at night or when I see something in the course of a day that makes me think about it. I don’t have the strength or the surety to do what I think needs to be done to rectify this. And there are many practical things as well – making enough money, living in a place that can support the two “s’s” on my list (spirituality and sexuality), having my financial house in order… but mostly it’s the strength and surety I lack.
My life is in a holding pattern and yet I feel this growing need to do something before it is too late, as if I’m going to die next year. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I thought maybe I’d share the thought with my closest friends. I’m learning how to be still and it’s very, very hard. Rabbit wants to run.
And among very many wise things, one friend suggested I take just 15 minutes each day and write a little, even journal writing. And my LJ has been woefully neglected this past year or so, so why not here?
I’ll start with some random things. I’m going to Seattle next summer, likely July. I’m going to live by myself for a time, preferably in downtown Seattle near Antioch University, where I will be attending grad school. I’ve finally figured out a big picture goal, thanks to the circumstances that landed me where I am (by which I mean, serendipity showed me my purpose) and it is this: What I’d like to do when I’m done with my education is work with kids to help them make smart, sex and body positive decisions about their sexual futures without fear and misinformation.
In an awesome world, I could do this in the general population, but I’m not sure of the details at this point. I’ve found, in the past seven months, that I am more fulfilled and more excited by working with teenagers than I ever would have thought. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t looking for it. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t ready to see it before. Whatever the reason, I’ve found what I love and I’m very happy doing it.
So I’m biding my time in this sad little corner of Arizona, doing what I can with these kids (and that’s another post/vent waiting to happen) in a community that wants to point the finger at the young people as the cause of all that’s wrong when in fact, they should be checking out their own sanctimonious faces in the mirror. I have to save a lot of money – I’m thinking somewhere in the area of $1000-$2000 – to supplement my income tax return and financial aid. The good news is, I have a $600 housing stipend I can use towards rent in Seattle while I’m a full-time grad student. I’m hoping to find a part time job in either a non-profit or educational setting. Any pointers on living cheap in downtown Seattle would be helpful. I’m looking for either a cool roommate situation (I have two cats and the kids will be visiting occasionally) or an affordable studio/one bedroom apartment.
Completely changing gears, I had an odd dream this morning that put me on track to write a young adult series. I want to flesh it out before I share it with anyone, but I’m kinda excited about it. The protagonist will be a girl and she’ll be kind of on a hero’s journey. Romantic relationships may crop up, but they will NOT be the focus of the story – her journey will. And perhaps if there are romantic relationships, they may not be strictly heterosexual. I realize this may make it difficult to find a publisher, but I don’t care. There need to be other models out there for our girls. Smart, positive ones. Even around sexual choices. Hell, especially around sexual choices.
I also dreamed about huge devastating ocean waves. I haven’t dreamed that dream in a long time, and this one was a little different than most. This led to Gab and I having a discussion about the elements in our dreams. She says hers tend to be very earthy. Mine are airy (flying, free, joy dreams) or watery (scary, claustrophobic, suffocating dreams). Neither of us dream about fire much. I shared with her something that my dad told me when I was younger – he used to dream that he was walking on a sharp, narrow mountain ridge, carrying me. To either side of him, there were flames and he was terrified he’d drop me.
Wow, not so hard to get back on journaling. I’ve been spending so much of my time at Facebook and Twitter, but I thought today that this is another way I short-change my writing. I love that FB has created opportunity to be in touch with so many people from my past, but I’ve let it take up too much of my time.
Anyhoo, that’s about my 15 minutes and I’m going to stick with it for now. I have things to do to get ready to work with my “alternative school” high school kids tomorrow. Love those kids. Witty and wicked… smart. And wicked. But I have an appreciation for that, which throws them off kilter, which in turn amuses me while defusing the behavior.