This may be the week that keeps me from winning NaNoWriMo. And it’s kind of killing me.

I felt great about catching up on Tuesday. When I went to bed I was a hair below 20,000 words. I knew that Wednesday would be tough because it was going to be a 12-14 hour day at work. I knew I’d get home at 9 PM at the earliest. I hoped I’d have the energy to write. I did not. As with most events where I have to be Super Me, I was wiped out. I went to bed, knowing that I’d have day two of being Super Me on Thursday. I hoped that since it would end much earlier, and I’d likely be home by 6-ish, I’d be able to catch up. Instead, I was wiped out, and felt completely sapped of creative energy. Actually, I felt sapped of ANY energy. And I could feel the snarly little tendrils of depression begin to creep in.

By Friday I was fully engulfed. Today I either numbed out or laid in bed in my darkened room, occasionally weeping for no good damned reason that I could name. At one point, I was recalling times I felt I’d failed my children as a mother. My brain was in deep search of memories that would support the biochemical wonk going down. My litany is like so:

• Simply Red – Money’s Too Tight [To Mention] (and it is, and I’m serious, my cupboard is bare and we’ve eaten all the things you only eat when you’re desperate)
• Tracy Bonham – Mother Mother (because I’m worried to death about my kid in Portland, see lack of funding and other joys)
• Danger Mouse – Dark Night Of The Soul – Feat. David Lynch (because I’m having one, and it’s freaking my shit out)
• Little Comets – A Little Opus (actually writing a book is a BFD to me, one deeply tied to my identity and doing it, even as a shitty first draft is seriously messing with me)
• Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun (as much as I love the rain and fog, I now know without a doubt that I have SAD and that and my Oregon allergies are making ME sad)
• The Dresden Dolls – The Perfect Fit (just work anxiety and generally falling apart and feeling inadequate angst)
• Everclear – Everything To Everyone (because this month I also decided to try to be a GS leader and all the other things)