week 2 – NaNoWriMo

This may be the week that keeps me from winning NaNoWriMo. And it’s kind of killing me.

I felt great about catching up on Tuesday. When I went to bed I was a hair below 20,000 words. I knew that Wednesday would be tough because it was going to be a 12-14 hour day at work. I knew I’d get home at 9 PM at the earliest. I hoped I’d have the energy to write. I did not. As with most events where I have to be Super Me, I was wiped out. I went to bed, knowing that I’d have day two of being Super Me on Thursday. I hoped that since it would end much earlier, and I’d likely be home by 6-ish, I’d be able to catch up. Instead, I was wiped out, and felt completely sapped of creative energy. Actually, I felt sapped of ANY energy. And I could feel the snarly little tendrils of depression begin to creep in.

By Friday I was fully engulfed. Today I either numbed out or laid in bed in my darkened room, occasionally weeping for no good damned reason that I could name. At one point, I was recalling times I felt I’d failed my children as a mother. My brain was in deep search of memories that would support the biochemical wonk going down. My litany is like so:

I could go on. I won’t. I’m trying to take care of myself, to honor where I am and what I’m struggling with, to make some GD room for life happening the way it really is happening, rather than how I want it to be happening. Maybe I can give myself another month to finish my book. Maybe I won’t win NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not. Honestly, I’m too dark to even care right now. So I’ll go read and huddle under the covers and eventually this will past. Has to. Simon & Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence

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