Time gets away if you let it. I’ve been meaning to get to this blog and post for about two months. In April I attended the Spring Mysteries Festival up in Washington. I’ve been officially admitted as a graduate student at Woolston Steen Theological Seminary and begin my graduate work in a few short weeks.
I’ve kind of had my spiritual world rocked, not by mind-blowing newness, but by revelations about my own path that I really should be writing about so as to process. It’s that spiral process that we talk about at WSTS – it’s the labyrinth walk. Every trek around the center brings a different perspective.
Yet I find that when things are REALLY hard, and I don’t have the clarity that brings comfort, I have difficulty writing. I have difficulty exposing the vulnerability. And really, I didn’t expect to be wrestling again so soon with imposter syndrome (thanks grad school…), but so I am. I haven’t written because I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much that’s good, and so much that’s challenging me, and so much that’s driving me a little nuts – just so much. Added to that is mundane life, which is also so much in much the same ways. I’m long past overwhelmed.
I want to talk about the experiences at the seminary and at festival. I want to talk about being called by Mannanan mac Lir. I want to check in to see if I’ve actually been the priestess I thought I was, or if it was all ego. I want to feel anchored to a shared reality, to feel a little less liminal. Or… to feel a little more at peace with being so liminal.
I miss people who live close, who I can invite over for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. I miss face-to-face conversation, connection and opportunity to talk through this stuff with someone who knows me and who knows my past story. The problem is that the people who fit that profile are scattered across the country. I can’t afford to fly them all here, but I truly wish I could. I would love to sit in a circle of my spiritual brothers and sisters and feel heard… and also to listen to what’s going on with them. And by listen, I mean to truly open to understand beyond the blips and bits offered by Facebook. That’s such a fragmented view.
And also, I find I wish to connect more deeply with some of my newfound friends, but I’m struggling with feeling all the social anxiety that is so familiar. Most of them are several hours away (and more). Skype and SecondLife are great, but for me, they’re not the same as real connection. I think they can be an extension of that, a way to maintain it, but I find it difficult to build that connection strictly online. It’s awkward when I can’t read someone’s body language and hear the nuance of voice inflection. I guess I rely on that more than I knew.
So I came here today to read someone else’s blog, but ended up with an open box in front of me. This is what came of that. I’m pretty sure that everyone who reads this is someone who knows me for real, so tell me – what do you want to know? What do you want to read more about? And what do you most want me to know about what’s happening in your world?
5 thoughts on “two months? really?”
I don't want to push you to write online if you aren't up to it, but I do encourage you to write for yourself – without worrying about audience or flow or sentence structure. Just write. Processing is processing. There is no invisible editor. There is just the song of your words, even when they warble.
That's part of what's tough right now – writing isn't working for processing. It just isn't. I need dialog and perspective, rather than my own inner monologue. I get A LOT of time with my own inner monologue these days. That's part of what's difficult. That, and impatience over finding someone local to talk to. 🙂
Clearly, then, you need “us” time. Of course. 😉
“What do you most want me to know about what's happening in your world?”
Speaking to impostor syndrome: it's always there, at least for me. But I'm pushing through it, and learning to listen when others tell me that what I have to offer has value. Stepping out into priestessing openly has really made this the Work of the moment.
I wonder if moving forward would be easier if I had an in-person group, rather than virtual? I'm not sure. I don't recall struggling with this as much when I was in IL and AZ, but that could very well be selective memory.
I DO recall very recently that the person I'm hoping to work through initiation with (Alfred) said something to me as I was waxing rhapsodic about how great the people I'd worked with in the past were. He said, “You're not too shabby yourself, you know.” Of course I shrugged it off. So perhaps I could take a lesson from you and learn to listen when people say that.