Growth Hurts

The universe is whapping me upside the head again. Like I haven’t had enough of that this year.

In the past seven days, two friends have asked to borrow fairly substantial amounts of money. About a month ago, I loaned a fair bit to my brother, who already owes us a few thousand dollars. I have it to loan, but I’m … not sure how I feel about it. Both of the recent loans had checking account woes. The first was not entirely their fault and I actually feel pretty good about that one. But the second, well, the problem is that my friend’s husband didn’t keep the checkbook well — after bitching at her about not doing it “right” — and now they’re in the hole. It almost feels like a lesson they should learn, except that things are already so crappy for them that it would make a miserable situation even more miserable. Oh, and this amount of money? The same amount for all three. What’s up with that? What’s the significance of $800?

I will probably never see the money from my brother and I knew that when I “loaned” it to him. I won’t give him anymore money. I was in hot water with my parents (yes, and aren’t we all old enough that my parents shouldn’t be involved?) over doing it because they had already loaned him money that was never paid back. Problem is, they blame it on his wife. The way I see it, there are two people in that household with access to the money and W. isn’t pressing the issue. But then, my parents have always blamed other people for W.’s problems.

The other loan I feel pretty sure I will get back. I had them set up a payment schedule that wouldn’t leave them sapped, and they already had a payment solution when they asked for the money. I think that’s what made me a little uncomfortable about the money I agreed to loan today — the person borrowing it didn’t mention how she would pay it back, and I think it’s because she doesn’t know.

To top this off, that particular person is in a marriage that is on its last legs and I do want to help her out. And another friend — who hasn’t asked for money yet — is also facing the end of a long term relationship, and I want to help her out too.

But I can’t help everybody, can I? Nor should I. I wonder if that’s why this is all coming at me at once — the universe showing me once and for all that I can’t do this for everyone, I am stretched too thin this year and I have to spend some time focusing on me. But why does that feel so selfish?? I’ve been conditioned well by society, that’s all I can say.

And a small voice wonders… am I headed for a breakdown? Who would hold everything together then?

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