True Confessions

Last night I went out with D and her friend, who’s visiting from out of town. I’m not so sure her friend appreciates that I’m going along for the ride during her visit with D, but they asked, and so I went.

We spent the last part of the night talking about a former co-worker of mine. Let’s call him Kurt. I was strongly attracted to this guy the whole time I worked at the headquarters of a large insurance firm. In fact, he was part of the reason I transferred there, if I am completely honest with myself. I wanted to get to know him better. He was intriguing.

When I got there, it clicked even more, for me. However, I never entertained the idea that it was anything other than one-sided. We both have families, we both have spouses — his is a saint, one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. So it was my little secret, until I divulged it to D a few weeks back.

I can’t even remember what possessed me to tell her. But it came up again last night because my husband, who has been in the Midwest for the past three days, was at their house last night for a part — at Kurt and his wife’s house, that is. It’s such a weird thing. My husband is pretty much clueless, and even if he knew, I think that he would not be worried because he is convinced that no man would find me attractive anyway. It’s not a sad drama story, it’s truth.

I’ve never journaled about my feelings for Kurt. I have to admit it feels a little hairy for me. It’s not just a physical attraction. In fact, as I explained last night, it wasn’t initially a physical attraction. Kurt is definitely not my type, body-wise. He’s not tall enough for starters. But that’s not what makes him so damned attractive to me. No, what makes him attractive is that he in many ways embodies what I think my husband could be if he ever grew up. Added to that is the musician card, but a responsible musician card, because he realized a long time ago that the life of a musician is not one for a family. So now he just composes his stuff at home and makes CDs for his friends. Sensitive, romantic and very devoted to his family. Nothing would ever have come of it, but it’s funny that it still hurts a little to think about it.

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