I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

I just dont know what to do with myself
I dont know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
(The White Stripes)

I am beyond frustrated. I don’t even have a word, and believe me, that is rare. I am silenced, my mouth duct-taped shut, a hostage to your unwillingness to do anything to change your current situation. Why do you chose to spend time playing with toys instead of finding a job, like you promised? Why are you letting our savings dwindle away while you play like a rich boy without a care in the world? We don’t have that much left! Why aren’t you more upset when I say that now, since so much time has passed without a job, I may have to go back to work too, leaving N in daycare? Why? Why are you so fucking stuck in your psychosis that you refuse to seek help? Your paralysis is killing me, it’s killing us. Sixteen years, three kids, none of it, none of it enough to help you turn into a man. I don’t know how much longer I can be Wendy to your Peter Pan. I am running out of rope to cling to. I am deeply sad and deeply angry. Why doesn’t it motivate you? What will? Me leaving? I’m almost there.

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