Starting Over

So my alarm is set; my mind is made up. I’m getting up at 6:30. I will start morning pages. Before that, I’ll do my personal practice, which at this point will consist of the soul alignment and grounding exercises. When I’m sure I’ve kicked enough of this cold in the ass, I’m adding exercise in, either at the club or with all the toys I have to do it at home.

I wrote about a dream in my other journal. R. commented on it, and I instantly rejected what she said as obvious and not helpful. Of course, I did all the rejecting internally, but still, the rejecting is a pattern and I want to know why. My first thought is almost always that she’s much younger than I am, she doesn’t have children, and mostly, that she doesn’t know me. And you know, I think that it mostly true — that she doesn’t know me. But it’s not for lack of trying on her part. For a reason yet to be determined, I have kept her pretty firmly on the outside of certain gates, partially due to differing life experiences, but partially for something else that I’m having a harder time defining.

She talks about other friends a lot — maybe I don’t want to be in that boat. I mean, I probably already am, but not on certain topics, because I don’t share them. It’s not that simple though.

I left to make dinner and thought about it more. I have pretty good radar about this sort of thing — look at L. — and I think while I don’t want the same thing to be true it is. Ultimately, R. is very self-centered. Everything I say is filtered through her experience — she can’t just hear what I have to say and understand that maybe it’s not the same as the time she (fill in the blank). When we were at camp, I realized how much time I spend with her listening to her go on and on about her problems. No wonder I don’t share much about me. When would I have time?

So I get it, but… how do I approach our friendship? Just keep on keeping on? I guess so, unless it becomes clear a change of course is needed.

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