I have been avoiding my diary this weekend. Not sure why, but last night Jeff finally gave me The Look after again checking my diary to see if there was an update. "What do you care? You never leave any comments anyway!" The best offense is a good defense, I always say. "Why should I … Continue reading Meltdown
Kids
Gab’s Journey
Jasmine and Gabrielle's room is a mess, too full of stuff and furniture that sadly needs to be upgraded. We had started this process before Jasmine died and the girls had been looking forward to new beds, dressers and desks. Now finishing the process is all weird because we don't want Gabrielle to feel like … Continue reading Gab’s Journey
Acts of Reverence and Mirth
Jasmine's wake was a beautiful celebration of her life and I just want to share moments of it that stand out in my mind, in no particular order: Drumming with about thirty people, children with shakers, drumming a heart of community that sustains us. Faces from my childhood, family and friend, faces from college, faces … Continue reading Acts of Reverence and Mirth
Hole Not Whole
Wide open hole Gaping, bloody Not whole Try to push it closed Seal it, erase it Pull the edges close A body torn asunder A member missing The ache of phantom pain Wide open whole Healing, itching Hole
Forays into the After World
How can I begin to write of what it's like to live without Jasmine? Today Gabrielle went back to school. She came home and told us it was "okay," but then tonight, after bedtime, she cried and told me how much she missed her, how it was so hard to walk home from school without … Continue reading Forays into the After World
Embrace the Change
We came home yesterday after receiving Jasmine from the funeral home. Jeff had made a seat for her in the front seat of the truck, with all her stuffed animals and her quilt from the hospital. She would have been so smug about riding in the front seat. We drove home, and when we got … Continue reading Embrace the Change
Burning Bright
I didn't realize until this evening that it was Friday the 13th, which should be a sign of just how out of it I really am. Today I discussed arrangements for Jasmine's body when she dies. I talked about how I wanted her to die and whether or not I wanted them to wake her … Continue reading Burning Bright
Stormy Weather
Holy cow! I had no idea so many of you would actually come check this out! Several people have written me in emails and asked for mailing info for Jasmine. The best bet would probably be to send cards and letters to Jeff at Ronald McDonald House, and he can take them in to her. … Continue reading Stormy Weather
And Now For Something Completely Diff’rent
I am now on the third attempt at this diary entry. If I don't get it posted this time, it will be lost forever. I suppose I could be smart and start composing in Word so there are more recovery options, but that seems like extra work. Ahem. Anyway. Now that the spontaneity of this … Continue reading And Now For Something Completely Diff’rent
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She's back in ICU, apparently having had a hard time breathing last night. She's on some kind of half-way ventilator and they still don't know what's wrong, other than that it's not rejection. I am going to St. Louis today. I can't live with second guessing anymore. If anyone wants to call, Jeff has the … Continue reading …
by the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea 