Jasmine is back in the hospital in ICU. This time was BAD. Last night at about 2 I felt like I needed to come check on her. This was after she had slept for two days straight. My hands started tingling and I knew I needed to come out and touch her. As soon as I did, I felt how hot she was and how fast her heart was beating. On top of that, her breathing was extremely labored. Her sats were 75%. I called St. Louis and they told us to get her to the ER immediately — like if we couldn’t get her there in 15 minutes, we were to call the ambulance. So Jeff took her in and they couldn’t even air evac her out because it was snowing, so they had to drive an ambulance from St. Louis and then drive her back. Like how much more extreme an example do I need that we need to live near the hospital?

So she finally made it to STL at about 9 this morning and they immediately did a bronch, which is where they put a scope in her lungs, look around and take lots of samples of tissue and mucous to find out what’s wrong. She did so poorly in the bronch that the doctor called and told me I should make arrangements to come to STL. Jeff finally got there at around 3 (he had to drive separate from Jas) and things got better. She’s not doing as poorly as she was, but she’s still in ICU. So the upshot is, this is either viral, fungal or rejection. And believe it or not, rejection is the best of the three. Rejection is best because it can be treated. If it’s viral or fungal, we have to “ride it out” which means, basically, roll the dice and pray she pulls through because there’s nothing they can do.

I am completely stressed — not only is all this going on, but the house is really a wreck, Gab had someone staying over last night and even if she hadn’t, I don’t want to freak out in front of her or Nina. I haven’t had a chance to really process all this. I am scared, tired and frustrated. I laid in bed tonight and wondered what we will do when she dies. That’s how I thought about it. When. Not if. I worry that my little dragonfly is about ready to break the surface of the water and get her wings. How will I cope when that happens? How can I honor that?

I’m an on-the-edge-of-tears wreck. No one should be nice to me right now because I think I’ll just completely lose it.