start by doing what’s necessary

After the dust starts to clear (or the fog starts to lift, the silver starts to shine, choose your metaphor), I spent some time this weekend thinking about what my life DOES look like and what I’d LIKE it to look like. Okay, to be completely honest, I spent that time last night, or perhaps more accurately this morning, when I couldn’t sleep after playing too much Warcraft, drinking too much caffeine and avoiding too much housework. But I digress.

Currently my life looks pretty good on the overall, which is why I’m ready to start tending seams again. What I don’t like is how messy my house is, and I am going to stretch this metaphor for all it’s worth. I’m talking about my literal house, my financial house, my physical house, my spiritual house… and on and on. Decades of procrastination, of wishing things would take care of themselves, of having some pretty hard hits, have taken their toll. I’ve managed to get myself into a pretty sweet spot here, but I think that if I’m not careful, it could disappear. And even if I take away that catastrophic thinking, I have to admit that it just doesn’t look the way I’d like it to look.

I would like, for example, to have all my boxes unpacked, walls painted, decor decorated and hominess established in my literal house. I would like order and lack of clutter. This is a tough fight because I live with two clutter-makers and I’m not willing to be their maid. I’m going to have to find a happy medium. I can make it with Nina that I don’t much care what her room looks like, but common areas should be tidy. But Jeff? That’s a tougher nut.

I would like to have my student loan mess straightened out so that I can do IBR AND begin the ten year process of loan forgiveness for government employees. I would like to not be running the edge every month of disaster. And I know that as much as Jeff is the culprit of the literal house mess, I am the major culprit for the financial mess. I need to get on my feet so I can move forward.

Dreams are plaguing me regularly of having great difficulty walking. I know this is probably just irrational fear, but I really need to get moving. I need to eat better. And I’m writing more about this here, and will try to keep those worlds as separate as I can.

My spiritual house is two storied; the act of worship and the act of writing. Making time is the issue, and I’m not doing it. Instead, I’m choosing to spend time playing games, watching tv, drinking, whatever… all things that take me away from where I want to be. Things I find myself doing without thinking. Things I would like to enjoy in moderation, but struggle with doing so.

So I found this bookmark when I was cleaning/rearranging my cube at work. Seems like a good starting point.


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