slogging through the blog

One of the coolest features of WordPress is the ease of importing entries from other online blogs. I’ve combined three blogs here, with just one outstanding – the one with Jasmine’s story. I’ll get that one in soon, maybe even later today.

I’m going through the entries, deciding what can be deleted, what stays private and then categorizing and tagging all the rest. I feel oddly as though I’m doing a life review, or some kind of qualitative coding on my life. I kind of like it, though it is at times very uncomfortable. Some old hurts can still hurt, and some old beliefs are cringeworthy.

One thing that’s causing me more than a little pain is reading all the entries that focus on my marriage, and specifically, on Jeff. I’ve come to such a different place with this – WE have come to such a different place with this – and it’s hard remembering where I was before.

A few years back, I had a tough conversation with Thea. I was recounting all the reasons why I had trouble with my relationship with Jeff, and she offered a reframe. She chose chess terms, and I’m not a chess player, but it works. Jeff, she said, is my knight. He waits for me to tell him where to fight, and he does it. He’s not going to help with strategic decisions because he trusts me to do that. But he will go full tilt for his queen, and that is me. As a queen, I have a council, and those are my friends who have known me best. I don’t have to be married to the council to be happy.

That was actually mind-blowing, though it seems so obvious now. Added to this was Jeff’s determination to change some of his habits that really drive me nuts – and he HAS. We’re so much happier now, wiser and more grounded. We’re not perfect, but we’re in love and we (I) understand our relationship better.

I told Jeff about this while lying in bed this morning. I told him it was bugging me. He said, “That’s in the PAST, babe.” I said, “I know. But why did you stick it out? I was so awful!” He said, “Because I love you. I always have.” And that was that.

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